come as you are

Hi!
I don't know what to write you about, but I just wanna talk to you for a bit, since I haven't written in English in ages!
First of all, I wanted to thank you for reading my blog. I feel blessed in believing that perhaps some of my notes have encouraged you. I'm the kind of a person that wants to share with the world about my learning steps and the things I've discovered. The fact that I haven't been writing proper notes doesn't mean I haven't been learning new things, rather the opposite- I've been learning so much that I didn't know what to write about first! I have 8 drafts saved up, that's how many times I tried to tell you about the fountain of newness poured into my heart, mind and life. Wrapping it up, I want to tell you a bit about coming as you are.

Bad news is: you will never be perfect.
Good news is: neither will be your neighbour.

You will never be threatened with being the only imperfect person left on this planet.
We are in a never ending process of learning to accept each other and in a constant frustration of 'finding out' that we're same or even worse than the person we've just been 'pondering' about.

Moving back to Poland over 5 months ago was life changing for me. Literally, because I've just moved to a country that I no longer knew, and spiritually, because everything is different over here. Being met with those differences I began the process of getting to know them and also showing who I am to this old-but-new world. Countless times I thought I should be better prepared for this. I caught myself unable to explain what I think, unable to speak my first language, unable to shake of the misery of sudden poverty (no job, having to not only live with my fam but also share a room with my brother- yes).
So yes, I allowed the thought that coming here as I was, wasn't enough.
And while I was sad about being unable to sustain myself I was showered with words of encouragement from people who were thankful that I finally came back home.

I saw then the difference between the body prepared to go, and the soul prepared to go.
Because look: what would I gain if physically I was ready to move to Poland- if I had a job set up, a nice cosy flat waiting for me, but with a soul running on empty? What if I came broken at heart, unable to give verbally?

I came with my life packed into 3 suitcases and with a heart full of lessons, passion and love, ready to serve in a new place.
I could have been ready better. I could have listened to the Holy Spirit and that would allow me to know I was going to go to Poland sooner than 4 days before my flight.
I had to come as I was because my time to get ready ran out.
Like when you're getting ready for an exam which is going to take place whether you're 100% confident about it or not. You have to come as you are.

Tell me, why are we so afraid of coming as we are to God?

The only person who knows us in and out. Who knows of things no one else has any idea about. Who's seen us at our worst and helped us up from the ditch (often the exact same one as the last time). Who's heard us make promises He knew we'd never keep. Who knew the reality of our strengths and weaknesses better than we did. Who allowed us to discover them. Who wasn't afraid of allowing us to make mistakes because He had more faith in us learning from them than anyone could possibly have, ever. He who guides us in the right direction and sends people to help us when again, we decide the other road is better and again, we find out we were wrong and He was right.

Come as you are because He knows you better than you anyway.
Every time we try to dress our prayers into nice words, He knows what our mind screams on the background. 

So, come as you are.
Tell Him what you really think. No, He ain't afraid of your thoughts, and no, He ain't gonna run off.

If you think God doesn't have time for you, God won't listen, God will run away once you tell Him what you think, you're wrong and disrespectful to the Maker of the Universe and you have no idea who God is. Did you know that? Those thoughts are trying to put GOD down to the level of a sinful human, whom He never was and never will be.

God doesn't have stains sin on Him. Only we do. God doesn't belittle people. Only we do. God isn't selfish. Only we are. God gives 100000000th chance. Only we don't. God is love. We know 0.00000001% of the meaning of it. Or less than that.
We easily loose hope. God IS Hope. We struggle to forgive. Jesus died in the name of it.
So, really, you can come to God as you are.
Don't wait till you change and clean yourself up, only He can do that anyway.
COME TO DADDY CHILD

zostal ci deszcz

Ta cieńka linia między prawdą a fikcją

Konsekwencją kłamstw strawionych z czerwonym winem

Wylanym na biały dywan.

Metalowa puszka myśli

Powciskanych w ciemne kąty wyobraźni

Byle nie tam, byle nie dzisiaj

Ukrywałeś się tyle lat

Bezczelny draniu pożyczonych taśm

Przepisanych książek.

Już został ci tylko deszcz

Czarne chmury przynoszące dźwięk

O parapet ze schodzącą farbą.

Jak długo jeszcze, niewierny człowieku

Będziesz polegał

Na własnej głupocie?

Jak długo, biedaku

O zaczerwienionych oczach

Będziesz żebrał o każdy promień nadziei?

Zniknęła, a z nią,

Ostatnie krople wina

Wierzących w jad twego języka.

Teraz możesz gnić w owocach swego życia

Nikt już ci nie uwierzy,

Nikt nigdy, na pewno

Nawet twoje własne ego.

Czołgając się od stóp do stóp

Błagać będziesz o przebaczenie

Win

I kto wtedy usłyszy?

Kto zmiękczy swe serce dla ciebie,

Kamienny draniu?

Ty, który życie spędziłeś plecami do innych

Teraz potrzebujesz wzroku współczucia.

Ty, który nie wybaczałeś

Mszcząc się nawet na najbliższych,

Teraz sam jesteś, sam sobie winny.

Złodzieju miłości

Bezlitosny draniu

Ukradłeś każdą szansę na lepsze

Zabiłeś każdy promyk nadziei

Zgasiłeś każdą świeczkę

Tak mozolnie zapalaną.

I teraz

Nawet ironia śmieje się z ciebie

Bo tyle dołków wykopałeś

A w końcu sam w nie wpadłeś.

Czy obudzisz się kiedykolwiek?

Czy zobaczysz, że tylko ty byłeś przeciwko sobie?

/obudź się, który śpisz, a zajaśnieje ci światło/

Obudź się, nim będzie za późno.

usynowił

i w końcu zapadła cisza
na miejscu tak brzemiennym w ból
kto by się spodziewał
że jeszcze chwilę temu
pełno tu było łez
urodzeni z krzykiem
biegli brudnymi ulicami
w oczach strach
ale nadzieja w sercach
trzymala ich na nogach
ktoś krzyczał
co z tego głupcze,
zaraz będziesz martwy
co z tego naiwny,
nadzieja nie kocha
nadzieja nie żyje...
potykali sie o własne błędy niewyjaśnione
o własne pomyłki nieprzemyślane
o własne słowa niewybaczone
potykali się,
bo łzy wypełniały ich oczy
bo deszcz padał nie tylko na ulice
ale też na serca
dlaczego jesteś tak bezlitosny?!
niebo milczało.

stwórca litości
obudził przestworza
odgarnął chmury
podarował słońce.

usynowił sieroty
pocieszył wdowy
otarł łzy i brud z ich twarzy
umęczonym dał odpoczynek
umocnił ich nogi by dalej szły
nakarmił duszę
niewysłowionym

dał życie tam, gdzie spodziewano się śmierci
każde kolano się zgięło
każde usta wyznały,
że Jezus jest Panem.