Tuesday, November 19, 2013

heart out

To all the people who have ever hurt me

I'm alive.

I breathe, I wake up, I leave my bed, I see myself in the mirror, and I don't see you in it.
And I'm glad for it.

I talk, I look, I help, I break, I listen to my favourite music, and I don't hear you in it.
And I'm glad for it.

I make new friends, I trust all over again, and I don't see you in them.
And I'm glad for it.

I was so angry, so hurt. So full of pain. I was furious with God because He didn't allow me to not forgive even you. I had my reason. I had memories of all the things you've said and done, and of all the things you should have said, or you should have done.

I was surprised I had so much tears in me.
I couldn't put any make up on, because seeing my own eyes in the mirror filled so terribly to the top with suffering was breaking me all over again. I pitied myself and I hated myself for it. I hated my weakness, I hated the influence you've had on me. I hated that I've allowed you in my life. I hated that my heart got broken again.
Didn't I suffer enough?
I asked you. You didn't hear it. You didn't answer.
I asked God. He didn't answer as I expected Him to.
Because I didn't feel like experiencing love. I didn't feel like hugs from a person sent by Him. I didn't feel like feeling. I, Marta called Bucket, who's number one love language used to be physical touch, now couldn't stand people to even sit by me, not to mention trying to make any kind of physical contact.
You broke me.
Into pieces.

Some of you only broke me in a half.
But others... so many pieces I'm still picking them up.

Pain that took my breath away.
So terrible that everytime I got into a car, I hoped for an accident.
I wanted it all to be over.
I wanted to be in a place where nothing bad could touch me ever again.
I wanted to feel safe.

But as terrible as it all was.
To put a sentence together.
To let my voice out through a throat tightly closed up by tears.
When you dared put the blame on me.
When you dared to let ME feel guilty for YOUR stupidity.
When you have let me go to sleep with a lullaby of my own tears.
When you let me believe I could never ever trust again.

That's when it happened.
That's when I had the guts to pray and actually admit to God that I've had enough.
Not that He didn't know, but that I didn't want to believe I had limits.
I opened up. And it didn't kill me. 
It was the hardest thing ever, to give up on my anger.
It was so difficult to get myself together and start looking for the pieces of my heart, then use prayer as a cellar-tape to put them together.
But it was possible.
From the ashes of my heart I stood up.
With eyes wide open and a fresh mind as if I just woke up from a long, beautiful dream.
With a new dose of wisdom.
With a new hope.
So many people ask me why the heck have I destroyed my skin and got a tattoo on my left wrist that says Hope.
Because of all of the above.
Because I need a daily reminder that there's a hope for me and the old is not coming back.
If you have seen me as a strong person, I have to surprise you.
I am as weak as a human can get.
And as strong as much strength God is giving me.

I have forgiven all of you, to whom this note is dedicated.
And to others unlucky enough to read of my pain, I wanted to give you the opportunity to read a blog about a heart. Of what is REALLY going on when someone is suffering. Maybe because of you. Maybe it's you who can admit to this pain.
Maybe it's you who's feeling it right now.
The nastiest kind of pain.
I can only tell you one thing:
Turn to God.

He is the giver of peace,
He is the one who's designed your heart and who knows it by heart.
Whether you have turned to Him before or not,
Whether you are a veteran of faith or you're still deciding,
Give God a chance. Tell Him how you feel. Speak to Him as you would have spoken to a person sitting on a chair across from you, sipping on a caramel latte.

Take time, let the tears flow, and let them stop, and let yourself become stronger you.
Stronger not by guilt or bitterness. But stronger by something better than all the bad wishes.
Stronger by forgiveness.
The only thing that's going to let you trust again. The only thing that's going to let you not look at others through a prismat of that person who's broken your heart.
If you want to be able to start over and build on a ROCK, instead of a SAND of unstable emotions ruled by hurt, you need to turn to God and forgive those people in the name of Jesus.

Only then you will be able to say:

I'm alive. And I'm glad for it. 


No comments:

Post a Comment