Sunday, May 26, 2013

Experience of a broken heart.

Last couple months have been rather difficult for me and some of my friends. I have decided to write this note for those who got their heart broken mainly through a split relationship, but you could apply it to any other thing, because in the end, pain is pain, right?

I've not been open about this over the Internet and I will not go into detail this time either, but I've gone through a very rough break up a couple months ago. Having that experience has taught me a lot and made me realize things that I feel important to share here. Reading about someone else's journey could help you in going through your own. 

Hope that comes with falling in love is amazing. Feeling hot from the inside, waiting for the next message from that person, all  those things and many more are bound to happen as we realize we want to be with somebody. So we get into this relationship, it's awesome, we learn things about each other. Some of us may have ended only on the 'first' level of relationship, some of us may have gotten engaged, and some of us got married. When the heart gets attached to that person for real, when we decide that yes, this is who I want to be with, oh boy does it hurt when things fall apart. That heartache is indescribable. 

The very first thing that I did when I realized my relationship was over, I told God 'Lord, I am not going to let this destroy me'.  This was my first step and honestly, I don't know where I would be now if I took another route. 

Giving this to God didn't mean the pain was completely gone, but it made me handle my emotions way better. 
One of the things that I have learned is that I am the master of my body and emotions and by this I simply mean that no one can help me if I won't first deal with myself. People can talk to you but if you're mad with yourself to the point where you just can't control yourself, no help will come through to you. So the first and most important step is to give it to God. Completely. And the second: allow yourself to breathe. It happened, you can't change it, you can't take the time back. Might as well deal with it, huh? 

And don't worry, you can give it to God later on if you haven't done it yet. Actually even if a break up has happened a long time ago, there may still be things that need dealing with that only the Lord can help you with. Your friends may be great, but they won't heal your heart and give you peace, nor would they enable you to forgive. 

Something that destroys people after break ups is guilt. This thing is hard to get over especially if you don't want to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made (one of which could be getting into this relationship in the first place!). 

Here are some pointers on what I think is essential, whether you feel like the 'bad guy' or not. 

1. You DON'T have to be strong. Your heart has been hurt, you are in pain. And by this I don't try to say 'hey go and bowl your eyes out in public places, before your family (ones that don't really get what's up), at work, make your coworkers feel horrible, make awkward scenes etc'. 
You are a lady, you are a gentleman. Behave like one. The world is not responsible for your break up.
Behave as normal as possible at work. I assume people you work with know about the break up and they feel bad for you, but y'all still need to do your job. So what did I mean by just telling you that you don't have to be strong? I mean that you are okay to cry at home. You are okay to take some time out where you would do things that relax you, and most certainly you are okay to admit that your heart is hurting. 
You don't have to play super brave if you don't feel brave. Fear after the break up is NORMAL. You do not break the 'feelings law' by having a bad time after the split up. 
2. It takes months to fully recover from this and could be longer if your relationship was as deep as engagement/ marriage, but by this I don't mean that you're bound to cry for those months. I mean that the first month- three months are the worst, then you may be getting sudden attacks of sadness/ missing the person, but if you protect your heart well, then you can recover within a couple months. 
I have never been engaged nor married so I can't speak for those cases and describe how it 'must feel' and how long it's 'suppose to take' before you should 'feel good again'. Everyone goes through hard times differently, some people recover within months, for some it may take longer than that.
3. Why, Jesus? Questions to God are okay, but also remember that He hasn't forced you into this relationship so you can't exactly put the responsibility on Him. Whether it was a Christian relationship where two people genuinely love Jesus or not, stupid things will be done and said, simply because we're human.  We've gotta take ownership of our decision and consequences that come if it turns out to be a bad one. 
What is our saving grace tho (literally), is this promise: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

A couple weeks down the line after the break up I felt like God was telling me 'Marta, because you have handled this situation well, I was able to turn what could have been a break down, into a break through'.

My jaw dropped. I saw the above verse in real life. God used my pain, got hold of my heart and turned it inside out. 
Because I didn't allow any bitterness or unforgivenes to get to me but instead I was calling to Him, He answered and He stood up to His promise- He used this pain for my good. And, He can do exactly the same thing for you!

4. Girls, boys, read this carefully. 
It's not that the person stood up to your expectations, but that you didn't expect enough.

From yourself, from them. Maybe you've expected from yourself to be more ready for this so you wouldn't have made all those stupid mistakes. Maybe you wanted to be stronger so you wouldn't have allowed them to walk over your boundaries. 

We seriously don't value our hearts. This society we live in is killing people. It's not teaching us any values so if you don't go to church to get some teaching from the Bible, or if you do but don't practice any of it in your life, you are in a true war zone. 

5. Submission to God. 
The last, but the most important point.

He's here for you. He doesn't pick sides between you and your ex- He loves both of you equally. 

If right now you are in the most sensitive time after the break up, I pray God puts some balm of comfort on your heart.

Please, do not turn away from Him. I know, I know, it's not easy to pray etc, but at this point when you're vulnerable you really need that prayer time. Because God is the only one who won't abuse your vulnerability. At some point all I could say to Him was 'Lord, You know.' Then I was slowly trying to tell Him either out loud or by writing in my journal how I felt. I would instead of crying myself to sleep read Psalms. Sometimes I would read one Psalm over and over till I felt peace coming over me. Amazing feeling. God is really not wanting you to deal with pain by yourself. Go for a walk, sing songs, draw, write. 
Your heart doesn't have to get 'good' within two weeks. You have got the time. Listen and seek God. He will let you discover some precious lessons from this. I have learned so much about myself. I've learned respect for time. I've learned that I have to expect more from myself and the guy who'd try to woo me out. Some of you reading this note know my 'ex'. I'm not trying to speak bad of him here. I'm simply saying neither of us was mature enough for this relationship to work out. 

Some warnings for the future:
1. Planning the future/ sharing personal stuff. Let the other person WORK to get to know you. Don't spill out everything about yourself on the first date or even within the first months of being together. Be slow in it. Slow cook it- it will taste better in the end. 
2. Be careful who you talk to. Talk to people who know you and who know the person you're interested in. Do not share your heart and feelings with just anyone who'd ask how you're doing. Have only a couple friends who would know details and make sure in that group there would be at least 2 older people than you (at least 15-20 years difference), who could speak some wisdom into you. 
3. Giving your heart away/ or not guarding it. Oh pleaseeeee be careful!!!! I know it may seem all beautiful in the beginning when you meet the person and whatever, but you have got to allow him (ladies!) work to get you. And I mean seriously work. Don't help him. Don't push your heart into his hands. Look out for signals like, is he respecting your time boundaries, is he trying to protect your heart, is he MATURE? Fast relationships hardly ever work out. Figure out yourself why. 
Boys, most girls are living in this world of believing that how you present yourself at first is how you will present yourself forever, till death do you part. If a girl is letting you into details of her life soon, then do you both a favor and slow down. Don't rush things, you may regret it. Believe me or not, but time is actually your friend. If you decide that this girl is the one you'd like to be with, work to get her heart (and be ready to take care of it!). 

Behave like ladies and gentlemen. 

4. Not standing up to your convictions
If either one of you is making the other break down their boundaries, then you shouldn't be together. 

A little something to wrap it up:
Whatever has happened between the two of you and however bad the damage is, you can still work through it with God. You may have been hurt so bad that it feels like your heart has fallen into pieces. Believe me, I know the feeling. Right now thinking of the possibility of being with someone again may actually be hurting you even deeper, but don't let your hope die. 
O- on,
P- pain
E- ends.

It does. And hope never dies. Put your trust in Jesus. Hold on to Him no matter what your head feels like doing. 
The harder it gets, the stronger hold on. 

So this is it, I hope it helps. You are in my prayers.

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