moving!

hey everyone,
I have decided to move my blog to wordpress as it offers way more fun stuff :)

the new link:
http://martahope.wordpress.com/

see you there!
m

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why are we so closed up
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forced
backspace into memories
as if escaping alone
wasn't hard enough.

why are we so closed up
moved by every wind
silent in the eyes of others

so they could view our strength
as our weakness?

today I want to stand up
and say STOP to my fear
I want to say SHUT UP
to those who limit me.

I want to let the words out
I want to live as free outside
as I feel inside.

Today I want to take the promises God's
made to me
and I want to own them
and I want to see them
in my life.

today,
not only for a minute,
it's not a pause button,
but for a forever
I want to claim the person
God has made me to be.

I shall live out the dreams
planted deep within me
I shall stand still on the rock
because sand is worthless

enter
tab
new paragraph
new start.




where's yours?

come as you are

Hi!
I don't know what to write you about, but I just wanna talk to you for a bit, since I haven't written in English in ages!
First of all, I wanted to thank you for reading my blog. I feel blessed in believing that perhaps some of my notes have encouraged you. I'm the kind of a person that wants to share with the world about my learning steps and the things I've discovered. The fact that I haven't been writing proper notes doesn't mean I haven't been learning new things, rather the opposite- I've been learning so much that I didn't know what to write about first! I have 8 drafts saved up, that's how many times I tried to tell you about the fountain of newness poured into my heart, mind and life. Wrapping it up, I want to tell you a bit about coming as you are.

Bad news is: you will never be perfect.
Good news is: neither will be your neighbour.

You will never be threatened with being the only imperfect person left on this planet.
We are in a never ending process of learning to accept each other and in a constant frustration of 'finding out' that we're same or even worse than the person we've just been 'pondering' about.

Moving back to Poland over 5 months ago was life changing for me. Literally, because I've just moved to a country that I no longer knew, and spiritually, because everything is different over here. Being met with those differences I began the process of getting to know them and also showing who I am to this old-but-new world. Countless times I thought I should be better prepared for this. I caught myself unable to explain what I think, unable to speak my first language, unable to shake of the misery of sudden poverty (no job, having to not only live with my fam but also share a room with my brother- yes).
So yes, I allowed the thought that coming here as I was, wasn't enough.
And while I was sad about being unable to sustain myself I was showered with words of encouragement from people who were thankful that I finally came back home.

I saw then the difference between the body prepared to go, and the soul prepared to go.
Because look: what would I gain if physically I was ready to move to Poland- if I had a job set up, a nice cosy flat waiting for me, but with a soul running on empty? What if I came broken at heart, unable to give verbally?

I came with my life packed into 3 suitcases and with a heart full of lessons, passion and love, ready to serve in a new place.
I could have been ready better. I could have listened to the Holy Spirit and that would allow me to know I was going to go to Poland sooner than 4 days before my flight.
I had to come as I was because my time to get ready ran out.
Like when you're getting ready for an exam which is going to take place whether you're 100% confident about it or not. You have to come as you are.

Tell me, why are we so afraid of coming as we are to God?

The only person who knows us in and out. Who knows of things no one else has any idea about. Who's seen us at our worst and helped us up from the ditch (often the exact same one as the last time). Who's heard us make promises He knew we'd never keep. Who knew the reality of our strengths and weaknesses better than we did. Who allowed us to discover them. Who wasn't afraid of allowing us to make mistakes because He had more faith in us learning from them than anyone could possibly have, ever. He who guides us in the right direction and sends people to help us when again, we decide the other road is better and again, we find out we were wrong and He was right.

Come as you are because He knows you better than you anyway.
Every time we try to dress our prayers into nice words, He knows what our mind screams on the background. 

So, come as you are.
Tell Him what you really think. No, He ain't afraid of your thoughts, and no, He ain't gonna run off.

If you think God doesn't have time for you, God won't listen, God will run away once you tell Him what you think, you're wrong and disrespectful to the Maker of the Universe and you have no idea who God is. Did you know that? Those thoughts are trying to put GOD down to the level of a sinful human, whom He never was and never will be.

God doesn't have stains sin on Him. Only we do. God doesn't belittle people. Only we do. God isn't selfish. Only we are. God gives 100000000th chance. Only we don't. God is love. We know 0.00000001% of the meaning of it. Or less than that.
We easily loose hope. God IS Hope. We struggle to forgive. Jesus died in the name of it.
So, really, you can come to God as you are.
Don't wait till you change and clean yourself up, only He can do that anyway.
COME TO DADDY CHILD

zostal ci deszcz

Ta cieńka linia między prawdą a fikcją

Konsekwencją kłamstw strawionych z czerwonym winem

Wylanym na biały dywan.

Metalowa puszka myśli

Powciskanych w ciemne kąty wyobraźni

Byle nie tam, byle nie dzisiaj

Ukrywałeś się tyle lat

Bezczelny draniu pożyczonych taśm

Przepisanych książek.

Już został ci tylko deszcz

Czarne chmury przynoszące dźwięk

O parapet ze schodzącą farbą.

Jak długo jeszcze, niewierny człowieku

Będziesz polegał

Na własnej głupocie?

Jak długo, biedaku

O zaczerwienionych oczach

Będziesz żebrał o każdy promień nadziei?

Zniknęła, a z nią,

Ostatnie krople wina

Wierzących w jad twego języka.

Teraz możesz gnić w owocach swego życia

Nikt już ci nie uwierzy,

Nikt nigdy, na pewno

Nawet twoje własne ego.

Czołgając się od stóp do stóp

Błagać będziesz o przebaczenie

Win

I kto wtedy usłyszy?

Kto zmiękczy swe serce dla ciebie,

Kamienny draniu?

Ty, który życie spędziłeś plecami do innych

Teraz potrzebujesz wzroku współczucia.

Ty, który nie wybaczałeś

Mszcząc się nawet na najbliższych,

Teraz sam jesteś, sam sobie winny.

Złodzieju miłości

Bezlitosny draniu

Ukradłeś każdą szansę na lepsze

Zabiłeś każdy promyk nadziei

Zgasiłeś każdą świeczkę

Tak mozolnie zapalaną.

I teraz

Nawet ironia śmieje się z ciebie

Bo tyle dołków wykopałeś

A w końcu sam w nie wpadłeś.

Czy obudzisz się kiedykolwiek?

Czy zobaczysz, że tylko ty byłeś przeciwko sobie?

/obudź się, który śpisz, a zajaśnieje ci światło/

Obudź się, nim będzie za późno.

usynowił

i w końcu zapadła cisza
na miejscu tak brzemiennym w ból
kto by się spodziewał
że jeszcze chwilę temu
pełno tu było łez
urodzeni z krzykiem
biegli brudnymi ulicami
w oczach strach
ale nadzieja w sercach
trzymala ich na nogach
ktoś krzyczał
co z tego głupcze,
zaraz będziesz martwy
co z tego naiwny,
nadzieja nie kocha
nadzieja nie żyje...
potykali sie o własne błędy niewyjaśnione
o własne pomyłki nieprzemyślane
o własne słowa niewybaczone
potykali się,
bo łzy wypełniały ich oczy
bo deszcz padał nie tylko na ulice
ale też na serca
dlaczego jesteś tak bezlitosny?!
niebo milczało.

stwórca litości
obudził przestworza
odgarnął chmury
podarował słońce.

usynowił sieroty
pocieszył wdowy
otarł łzy i brud z ich twarzy
umęczonym dał odpoczynek
umocnił ich nogi by dalej szły
nakarmił duszę
niewysłowionym

dał życie tam, gdzie spodziewano się śmierci
każde kolano się zgięło
każde usta wyznały,
że Jezus jest Panem.

na nowo

wylewać serce nieprzerwanie
strumieniami pływać
stać pod wodospadem miłości
zmiękczać to, co kamienne
i nieużyteczne
co wydawało się martwe
ożywiać
czerwoną farbą pomalować czerń
odnowić drewno okiennic
wpuścić świeże powietrze
z rozmachem
i radością w oczach
nie tylko na ustach
powiedzieć
wybaczam, kocham cię, przepraszam
wysłuchać
do końca
nie tylko od środka
ale od początku
jak kropka nad i
tak wiernie być
i śmiać się
i marzyć
i moczyć stopy w falach morza.


/na 2014, tego Ci życzę. Odżywienia każdego marzenia, narodzenia się nowych i odnowienia serca./

heart out

To all the people who have ever hurt me

I'm alive.

I breathe, I wake up, I leave my bed, I see myself in the mirror, and I don't see you in it.
And I'm glad for it.

I talk, I look, I help, I break, I listen to my favourite music, and I don't hear you in it.
And I'm glad for it.

I make new friends, I trust all over again, and I don't see you in them.
And I'm glad for it.

I was so angry, so hurt. So full of pain. I was furious with God because He didn't allow me to not forgive even you. I had my reason. I had memories of all the things you've said and done, and of all the things you should have said, or you should have done.

I was surprised I had so much tears in me.
I couldn't put any make up on, because seeing my own eyes in the mirror filled so terribly to the top with suffering was breaking me all over again. I pitied myself and I hated myself for it. I hated my weakness, I hated the influence you've had on me. I hated that I've allowed you in my life. I hated that my heart got broken again.
Didn't I suffer enough?
I asked you. You didn't hear it. You didn't answer.
I asked God. He didn't answer as I expected Him to.
Because I didn't feel like experiencing love. I didn't feel like hugs from a person sent by Him. I didn't feel like feeling. I, Marta called Bucket, who's number one love language used to be physical touch, now couldn't stand people to even sit by me, not to mention trying to make any kind of physical contact.
You broke me.
Into pieces.

Some of you only broke me in a half.
But others... so many pieces I'm still picking them up.

Pain that took my breath away.
So terrible that everytime I got into a car, I hoped for an accident.
I wanted it all to be over.
I wanted to be in a place where nothing bad could touch me ever again.
I wanted to feel safe.

But as terrible as it all was.
To put a sentence together.
To let my voice out through a throat tightly closed up by tears.
When you dared put the blame on me.
When you dared to let ME feel guilty for YOUR stupidity.
When you have let me go to sleep with a lullaby of my own tears.
When you let me believe I could never ever trust again.

That's when it happened.
That's when I had the guts to pray and actually admit to God that I've had enough.
Not that He didn't know, but that I didn't want to believe I had limits.
I opened up. And it didn't kill me. 
It was the hardest thing ever, to give up on my anger.
It was so difficult to get myself together and start looking for the pieces of my heart, then use prayer as a cellar-tape to put them together.
But it was possible.
From the ashes of my heart I stood up.
With eyes wide open and a fresh mind as if I just woke up from a long, beautiful dream.
With a new dose of wisdom.
With a new hope.
So many people ask me why the heck have I destroyed my skin and got a tattoo on my left wrist that says Hope.
Because of all of the above.
Because I need a daily reminder that there's a hope for me and the old is not coming back.
If you have seen me as a strong person, I have to surprise you.
I am as weak as a human can get.
And as strong as much strength God is giving me.


I have forgiven all of you, to whom this note is dedicated.
And to others unlucky enough to read of my pain, I wanted to give you the opportunity to read a blog about a heart. Of what is REALLY going on when someone is suffering. Maybe because of you. Maybe it's you who can admit to this pain.
Maybe it's you who's feeling it right now.
The nastiest kind of pain.
I can only tell you one thing:
Turn to God.

He is the giver of peace,
He is the one who's designed your heart and who knows it by heart.
Whether you have turned to Him before or not,
Whether you are a veteran of faith or you're still deciding,
Give God a chance. Tell Him how you feel. Speak to Him as you would have spoken to a person sitting on a chair across from you, sipping on a caramel latte.

Take time, let the tears flow, and let them stop, and let yourself become stronger you.
Stronger not by guilt or bitterness. But stronger by something better than all the bad wishes.
Stronger by forgiveness.
The only thing that's going to let you trust again. The only thing that's going to let you not look at others through a prismat of that person who's broken your heart.
If you want to be able to start over and build on a ROCK, instead of a SAND of unstable emotions ruled by hurt, you need to turn to God and forgive those people in the name of Jesus.

Only then you will be able to say:


I'm alive. And I'm glad for it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE1OIdwcx9E